August 29, 2007

• Bloodties...

  Last night was one of the longest nights I've had in a long time.  As soon as I get home from work, I get a call from my youngest brother saying that my dad's out drunk and he has the car.  I call my dad to find out where he is so my brother can go pick him up which results in me getting an earful of expletives, sobbing, incoherent yelling, etc.

  My brother calls me a little later to let me know that despite being shit-faced, my dad managed to drive home.  While on the phone, I can still hear my dad screaming like a madman at the top of his lungs in the background...loud enough for the next door neighbors to call the cops.  I tell my brother to try and calm down my dad and that I'm on my way there.

  When I get there, I find out that only minutes earlier the police arrived and took my dad away to the hospital in an ambulance.  Apparently my dad got into a scuffle with my brother which resulted in my brother striking my dad, causing him to hit his head on the ground.

  I go to the hospital to get my dad, and only after telling the admitting nurse that my dad is unemployed and uninsured does she agree to release him to me.  My dad is obviously still drunk as he's going off about how my brother struck him and I'm trying to get him to lower his voice inside the hospital as I escort him out.

  The landlord of the house (who lives under my parents and my brother) calls me, telling me that if my dad isn't gone, my mother and brother are going to get evicted which he doesn't want to do because he likes my mother and thinks of us (me and my brothers) as his own.

  So it's now 11:30pm on a worknight...and since I can't take my dad back home because of a potentially volatile situation, I drive him back to NJ to my place.  On the ride back, he's still yelling about how my brother struck him and I reply by asking him WHY my brother would strike him (it's because he was uncontrollably drunk and screaming).  To this he responds by yelling at me, daring me to strike him too (mind you, I was still driving).

  I stop by a Dunkin Donuts on the way to my place to get my dad some coffee to sober him up a little.  Any attempts at conversation result in more yelling and ranting about my mom and my brother.  I get him to my place and try to get him to go to bed but he refuses until I've listened to what he had to say.  He goes on to tell me how it was a mistake marrying my mother and he blames her for his shortcomings.  He also blames her for my brother striking him.  I finally get him to go to bed around 1AM...only to have him wake up at 3am demanding that I take him home to that he can deal with my brother.  I tell him to go back to sleep but instead get another earful of his angry banter about anything and everything.

  Today, I'm a mix of exhaustion, stress, anger, frustration, disappointment and most of all sadness.

  Background:

  Back when I was in High School growing up, my family went through really bad financial problems.  This resulted in my dad drinking on a regular basis and coming home and beating my mom as well as myself and my brothers.  At the beginning of college, my dad went back to Korea.  Over 14 years passed and only after he got a new visa with the help of my brother did he return to the U.S.  During my dad's absence, it was my mother who busted her ass working 14 hours at a nail salon trying to raise me and my 2 brothers.  Despite not being there for such a long time, I've tried to maintain a civil relationship with my dad by phone.  When he finally came back, I welcomed him as if he never left.  My mother and youngest brother weren't as cordial.  The pain and scars he left were too deep.  My mother and brother minimize any interaction with him, which ends up making him feel lonely and I guess stir-crazy.  The times he goes out to meet with friends, he ends up drinking.  Drinking to the point where he turns into a different person. 

  I've tried to be as patient as I can with my dad as my brothers pretty much want nothing to do with him.  I try to talk to my dad when he's sober and try to rationalize and reason with him.  I tell him to forget the past and to focus on the fact that he still has a family.  However, he's so focused on my mom's flaws and mistakes that he fails to recognize his own.  He doesn't understand the consequences of his actions nor does he realize the burden he creates.  As much as I want to forgive my dad and want things to get better, I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore.  It's obvious my dad can't be in the same household as my mother and brother but I can't afford to get him a place of his own either.  My dad is old, full of guilt from the past he can't seem to let go, still drinks to relieve his stress, forgetting what kind of person he becomes when he does. 

  As the oldest son, I'm torn between my loyalty to my dad and my desire to be free of the emotional and financial burden.  I think about several friends of mine whose fathers have passed away and I tell myself that I should be thankful my dad is still alive but then there's that selfish part of me that wonders...

  My heart feels heavy yet so empty.

  • 12:46 pm
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