October 25, 2004
-
Dating 101: How to get a guy (a guy’s perspective)
I find it funny how so many females seek advice about guys from other females (ie. women’s magazines). It’s like the blind leading the blind. Wouldn’t it make sense to find out about guys from a guy? Well, here’s my perspective on how to get a guy:
First of all, appearance means everything as far as impressions go. If it looks like a ho, dresses like a ho, and acts like a ho, well…you know the rest. When a guy goes out to a bar or club and sees a girl dressed all hoochie, that’s the way he’s going to perceive her. It doesn’t matter if the girl really is a ho or not because perception is the key here.
Girls: You may have your own reasons for dressing provocatively but whether you want to admit it or not, one of the main reasons you go out scantily clad is for attention. Girls are much more concerned about their outer appearance than guys, which explains why they take so much longer to get ready when going out. Being insecure by nature, they seek attention for reassurance. Who they get the attention from may not be what they were hoping (see ugly guys), but it’s attention nonetheless.
What girls don’t realize is that even if they manage to catch the attention of a desirable guy (ie. good looking), the impression they give off may not be a good one. Sure you may get guys coming up to you to buy you a drink or to make conversation, but what do you think their motive is? It’s certainly not to find out what your views on politics are.
Guys are more observant than you realize girls. All those times you go out to a party, get drunk and do something stupid, some guy has noticed. You may try and portray yourself as a wholesome, gf material type girl but guys know better. Don’t say that you’ve only been with 1 guy when it’s actually much more than that. Guys will find out if you’re lying and it only makes you look more of a slut. Most people follow the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy these days which is fine, but don’t go out of your way to misrepresent yourself.
Just from my observations and knowledge, there seems to be a huge discrepancy between the number of partners a guy’s had and the number a girl’s had. Let’s say for example the average guy claims to have been with 7 girls and the average girl claims to have been with 2 guys. That’s a 5 partner discrepancy but let me tell you that the guys aren’t the ones lying. Especially at our age, guys have no incentive to lie about how many partners they’ve had. Girls on the other hand have plenty of incentive to lie. They want to live promiscuously yet somehow want people to think they’re angels. Who do you think you’re kidding?
If you’re looking for a mere hookup, then by all means go out and hooch yourself out. I’m sure you can easily pick up a guy to serve that purpose and you can stop reading here. But if you’re looking to land a guy for the purposes of having a relationship, I suggest you re-evaluate the image you’re giving off.
Now that we got that out of the way, let me give you some pointers in how to get a guy:
Just like how girls like confident guys, guys like confident girls too. This means, do away with the insecurities and emotional baggage you’re carrying from any past relationships. I’ve noticed that girls seem to always compare any prospective bf with all her past bfs. This isn’t fair to the new guy and frankly, it’s a turn off. The new guy isn’t the one that played you. The new guy isn’t the one that cheated on you. The new guy isn’t the one that verbally, emotionally and/or physically abused you. If you’re going to let past hangups affect your approach with a new guy, then you’re simply not ready to start dating again.
If a guy really likes the girl, he may be ok with SOME insecurities and do his best to reassure her, but if those insecurities turn into irrational behavior and jealous outrages, it’s going to get tiring real quick for the guy.
A question I’ve had asked frequently from girls is, “how do I know if the guy is really interested in me or if he’s just looking for play?”
The answer to this is threefold:
1) Communication. For any relationship to work, there needs to be a good line of communication. Discuss your wants and expectations and see if you’re on the same page with the guy. (Of course this isn’t foolproof as the guy can simply lie to you about wanting the same things you do which is why we have #2 and #3)
2) Abstinence. If you really want to test a guy’s sincerity, hold off any physical intimacy with him. If a guy is only looking to get into your pants, he’ll lose interest eventually if you keep things platonic. There’s no exact timeframe how long you should hold out for as each guy and situation is different. Girls succumb way too easily sometimes and it’s no surprise they’re left with a feeling of confusion and uncertainty as to the guy’s true feelings.
(Note: If you are abstaining, make sure the guy isn’t getting action from someone else because it makes “abstaining” with you much easier and pretty much pointless.)
3) Gut Instinct. Last but not least, go with your gut instinct. Despite your attractions for a guy, if everything inside you is telling you that he’s bad news and to stay away, chances are you should. Girls seem to have this notion that no matter how bad a guy is, they think they can change them. Believe me, if a guy hasn’t changed for any other girl, he won’t change for you either. Don’t let his showing of “potential goodness” here and there fool you either. That’s how women in domestic abuse cases get trapped in a bad cycle.
Although the above thoughts are just my own opinions and may not apply to everyone, I hope that some find my insight useful…
Comments (21)
you should write manuals for people.
you’re like hitch.
amen
Um… golly-gee Dr. Kong… thank you for these Cosmo-esque pearls of wisdom (9_9)… hehehe
hahaha…i agree 110% with #2, abstinence, baby….. that’s the real test. =) well said, dave….
Don’t agree with #2. This is a tactic that will ultimately doom all realtionships. When Chicks use there vagina as a bartering tool guys get angry and will at some point say fuck you and go get it some way some how.
If she starts to bring this out at the very begining, dudes should stay away from such a manitupative bitch.
wow. i never thought about how silly it really is to ask other girls about guy.. it is the blind leading the blind.. but don’t guys do it too?
i have to agree on the “blind leading the blind” you should check out “he’s just not that into you”…it’s written in the perspective of a guy [greg behrendt] and tells all the real reasons behind why guys act the way they do and all the excuses girls try to come up with.
but how do you get a guy??? =)
haha, cinnabunz’s comment. hahaha.
maybe you can tell us where we can meet some guys. minus 3fl HH, mk/swerve.
but dont boys do the same thing? you pick up maxim and what do you see? how to get a girl into bed, how to pick up 3 chicks, how to blah blah blah.
and i read maxim and i know its supposed to be funny. but then there are guys who read this and say, “oh…that’s how you pick up a chick” and its JUST like the blind leading the blind. because most men STILL dont know how to pick up women in a non-confrontational, gentle yet “i’m-not-a-loser” way.
I think you’re right that girls should hold off on sex at first to see if a guy is into you for the right reasons or not but if you withhold it too long I think most guys will think you’re not interested and move on. I think these artificial rules about when to call, when to have sex, etc. should all be taken with a grain of salt. Just wait til it feels right.
i don’t agree.. guys lie just as much as girls about how many partners they’ve had. haven’t you noticed the trend of the “innocent” appeal? it’s when guys come off as if they’ve saved themselves for the right one but have actually been whoring themselves around. seems to me they’ve been learning from girls.
thanks dr. ruth.
I don’t agree with the “blind leading the blind” statement. The reason why girls confer with other girls about guys is because there are many guys out there that don’t even know what their issue is. And even if they do know, many don’t know how to put it into a verbal, written, or sign language that women can understand. Many guys out there have trouble identifying their own problems, and unlike girls they won’t sit there and analyze it.
The “blind leading the blind” is more fit for a scenario whereby a 30 year old virgin is lecturing a course on 101 sexual pleasures to try in bed.
Dating is as much about knowing when to let go as it is about trying to hold on. Two people have to be on the same wavelength to be moving in the right direction. Sometimes if its not there, its just not there.
What in the world…..
interesting, i tend to agree with your rules and tend to do my own thing with those rules… but these are just rules to get a guy…. what about the man of my dreams? Where is he? I need to get out more… that’s my conclusion. Coke77 – get out more and sift through them fisheeeessss.
You know, you should forget about law school and join me; opening up a private practice in psychology. You’ll only need a bachelor’s degree.
I’ll agree with most of your observations, but I’ll sit on the fence about #2, abstinence. That’s pretty subjective and hard to really gauge, since those pitfalls that you mentioned are everywhere.
There are many other psychological aspects of human interpersonal relationships that I can talk about to support and even refute those ideas, but if I agree, then why bother?
i feel everything ur saying except for one thing
the whole hoochie thing. if you have the personality to back it up, hooched out is good bait. i’ll come and talk to you, and if your a fantastic person, i’ll change my plans from hitting it to dating it and court you and treat you in a totally diff way.
alot of advice makes sense and even though people agree with sound advice, many don’t follow it. I guess it just takes a while (usually after experiencing the consequences of not following the advice) for the advice to sink in sometimes. How come you like giving advice on relationships?
So true bro. I read blogs and hear friends (girls) whine and complain about how the guy did em wrong. Its all because they spread their legs too early.
that was very well written, props.